Not Sorry.

It’s crazy what happens to your life when you let go of negativity. Who knew?!

I’ve spent the past two years hating myself because I was scared of what people would think of my ideas of happiness. I was afraid that the things I want out of life were mediocre and boring. I’ve always known what I want, but I could never let go of the fear that it wasn’t “good enough”—as if MY OWN opinions of MY OWN life weren’t good enough?? That is so crazy, but only in retrospect. When I was IN that state of mind, I had no idea that was my state of mind. I was just running in circles trying to waste time until I thought it “was time” to work towards what I want in life, ultimately. Silly me.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:
-Nobody matters except for me. My life is about me. How others feel is trivial. Their feelings should be most important to them, as my feelings are most important to me. I can’t worry about others anymore. Fuck ‘em. They can worry about themselves.
-I’m important.
-I’m only what I think I am. If you think I’m shitty……bye? There’s PLENTY of people who love me. Plenty. I don’t think I’m shitty anymore, sorry.
-Love isn’t stressful if you’re understood. If understanding can’t happen…bye.
-Intentions are everything. If you never meant harm, an apology can fix it. If you did mean harm—you have to own it.

I used to think I was an awful person—but I’m not. I’m often misunderstood, but my intentions are mostly good. Do I make mistakes? Yep. Just like everyone else. Unlike most others, I don’t keep those mistakes secret, so people feel free to have an opinion they wouldn’t otherwise have.

Dudes LOVE to think I like them because I’m easy to talk to, so they get all tripped up thinking they “love” me, when all they really want is for ME to love THEM. It’s pretty unfortunate, and it used to make me feel guilty, but for what?

SO, having realized so much and learned and grown, moving forward, I’m putting my positive energy into myself and the things/people important to me. I feel like a weight has been lifted, the second I started realizing the truth, after I started telling the truth. It feels so good not to have secrets anymore. It feels so great to be understood.

I’m no longer altered, or scared, or nervous, or…broken.

It was a long 23 years to get here. These next 23 are going to be so much better.